Safety Pins

by David Christopher Johnston

WARNING: Contains adult themes

MESSAGE: 09:01

Is it too late to call in sick once you’re at your desk?

Probably 😂 What’s wrong?

Damn office printer’s broken AGAIN! 😡

Thought you were working from home?

It’s my first day back in the office (and I already want to burn the place down).

🤣 Your always so miserable.

I presume you mean YOU’RE?

FFS! It’s a little early for the Grammar Police…

It’s never too early. I’m just saving the world, one apostrophe at a time… 😏

That reminds me, our CEO said pacifically instead of specifically again yesterday 🤦

😂 He’s a real private-school success story, isn’t he.

And in a Teams meeting on Monday an intern used the phrase: for all intensive purposes.

🤣 That doesn’t even make sense!

I know! Damn Zoomers: no wonder the world is falling apart.

I blame the parents.

Me too 😜

 

MESSAGE: 10:53

Stuck in the world’s most boring meeting 😴

😂 I’ve got one at eleven. Dreading it.

My team are so dull. They talk about KPIs like it’s number porn.

Number porn! 🤣😂 Can’t you just turn the camera off if they’re boring you?

I can’t, I’m in the office remember 😔

Of course, I forgot 😔

I miss the days when I could fake a bad internet connection to skip a meeting.

😁 Ah yes, The Good Old Days.

 

MESSAGE: 12:16

How was your meeting?

Awful. Derek asked seven million questions AGAIN! 🤦

Damn Derek! 😡

Exactly! You doing anything nice this weekend?

Going to a stupid garden party at Martin’s manager’s house 😫

Urgh! Sounds awful.

It is. They sent actual paper invitations 🤦

For a garden party? How embarrassing.

There’s even a dress code: “poolside chic”, whatever that is?!?!

Think it’s hipster lingo for swimsuits and bikinis.

😂 It’s going to be terrible. A group of lawyers talking about themselves over quinoa…

Don’t forget the cucumber water and goji berries 😜

🤣🤣🤣 What are you up to this weekend?

Not much. Gonna try get an invite to a pretentious garden party I’ve heard about 😏

😂😜 You can have my ticket if you want?

🤭 No thanks

 

MESSAGE: 13:59

Emily has been prattling on about her damn dog for fifteen minutes! 😡

What’s wrong with dogs?

Nothing wrong with dogs. But Emily treats hers like a human baby.

Urgh! Those people are the worst.

Yep. She’s literally just compared having a dog to raising a child!?!?

😮 OMG! Surely not.

Ha! Kirstie just asked Emily what part of dog ownership compares to childbirth?

🤣 Kirstie makes an excellent point.

She pushes the poor thing around in a pram and everything 🤦

😮 I’m speechless.

I wish Emily was…

 

MESSAGE: 14:22

These f*@!%#g interns drive me insane!

Which one is it this time?

Tarquin again – the bane of my life.

🤦 What’s he done now?

I asked him to fetch me some paperclips and the fool brought me safety pins!

🤣🤣🤣 Doesn’t he understand the difference?

He thought they were the same thing…

Wow!

Feel like I’m banging my head against the wall! You know he’s never heard of Nirvana 😮

😫 OMG! Surely that can’t be true.

And when I quizzed him about it he said: “Well, I don’t really like 80s music.”

Idiot. I can see why you hate him.

I had to ring Martin just to rant about it.

What did Martin say?

He told me to send Tarquin out for some tartan paint 😏

😂 Or a glass hammer.

 

MESSAGE: 15:17

I’m losing the will to live…

Same. I’m just staring at my screen pretending to type.

Just had a 1-2-1 with my boss and he asked: “What are your dreams for the future?”

Rather odd question. How did you respond to that?

I said I want to own a unicorn farm 😏

😂🤣😮 You didn’t!

Yes I did! It’s fun to wind him up.

😂 What did he say?

He just said I was wired.

Wired?

WEIRD* Damn predictive text! I hate this phone 😡

LOL Hang on, why did you write WIRED if you meant WEIRD?

FFS! You knew what I meant – now who’s acting like the Grammar Police.

I’m just saving the world, one spelling error at a time… 😏

LMAO Piss off

😂😏

 

MESSAGE: 15:51

A client just called me sweetheart on the phone!!!

😮 OMG! Was he calling from the 1950s?

Nope, from his high tower at Misogynistic Wanker PLC.

Can’t you complain?

No point? HR will just tell me to leave it so not to upset the client.

😡😡 Exactly the same at my place: the CEO spends all day perving on the female interns.

Bunch of Neanderthals.

Yep. No wonder the world is falling apart.

👍

 

MESSAGE: 16:29

I swear all we do at this place is have bloody meetings!

Same here. My manager has meetings about the meetings she needs to have 😂

Anything to avoid actual work… Any news on when you’re going back into the office?

Not yet, but they’re floating the idea of two days a week.

That’s good news. Our Director is pushing for us to go back in five days 😡

Why?

She reckons it’s good for “wellbeing” 🤦

Which is corporate bullshit for: “she doesn’t trust you working from home.”

Exactly.

There’s a few control-freaks like that at our place too…

They make my brain hurt.

Is Martin back in the office yet?

He’s doing two days in the office, three at home – which helps with the school runs.

Is he still cycling all the time?

Yep, he spends every waking hour dressed in Lycra 🤦

Oh dear…

Indeed. He’s in full midlife-crisis mode.

🤣😂😜

 

MESSAGE: 17:01

It’s over. We survived another day!

Yippie! Any exciting plans for 2nite?

Feed three kids and stop them racing around the house like feral animals.

Three?

I’m including Martin 😏

🤣 Touch.

Touch?

TOUCHÉ* FFS! 😡😡 Bleeding predictive text! Drives me bonkers.

🤣😜😂 What are you doing 2nite?

Most likely ordering you 100 boxes of safety pins from Amazon 😏

🤣 Damn Tarquin!                                            

I blame the parents.

😂😜 me too xx

xxx

 

 

Copyright © 2022 David Christopher Johnston.

David Christopher Johnston hereby asserts and gives notice of his right under s.77 and s.78 of the Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work of fiction. All moral rights are asserted.

All rights reserved. No part of this work of fiction may be reproduced or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author. This poem is a work of fiction and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

WANT TO READ MORE COMEDY BY DAVID CHRISTOPHER JOHNSTON?

Check these out!